Here You Go Again! Your Antiquated Princess is No More!

Junior Journalist -

Oh wow, here we go again — another “Why can’t women just stay in the kitchen castle and wait to be rescued?” manifesto disguised as a “pure storytelling critique.” Spare me. You’re not uncovering some ancient narrative wisdom; you’re speed-running the same tired misogyny% glitchless route that every internet incel forum has already done twice since breakfast.

Let’s start with this whole “How hard is it to tell a simple damsel-in-distress story?” thing. Bro, respectfully, are you stuck in a 1980s time loop? Did Bowser bonk you on the head with a nostalgic brick block? “Simple Damsel Story” sounds like a mobile game ad written by someone who thinks women faint when they see car keys.

And then you say, “This isn’t about hating women.” My sibling in the Mushroom Kingdom, whenever someone starts with “This isn’t about hating women,” every anime blogger’s feminist Spidey-sense starts screaming like it’s episode 12 of a shōjo drama. It’s always about hating women just a tiny bit, even if accidentally.

Spidey-sense starts screaming like it’s episode 12 of a Shōjo drama. It’s always about hating women just a tiny bit, even if accidentally.

Your big complaint? Princess Peach wasn’t helpless enough for your taste. Mario learned something from her, and suddenly it’s the End of Masculinity As We Know It™.

This is the part where every angry feminist blogger leans back, sips her matcha latte, and says:“So the problem is that the woman was competent? Noted.”

You’re mad Peach didn’t sit in a tower filing her nails, waiting to be saved like a medieval anime waifu whose entire personality is “likes flowers.” But heaven forbid she actually trains Mario — because apparently the dude can punch galaxies but can’t handle a woman saying, “Hey, maybe jump this way.”

You’re mad Peach didn’t sit in a tower filing her nails, waiting to be saved like a medieval anime waifu whose entire personality is “likes flowers.” But heaven forbid she actually trains Mario — because apparently the dude can punch galaxies but can’t handle a woman saying, “Hey, maybe jump this way.”

Also, this whole “Since when does a princess get her hands dirty?” take… Sweetie. Darling. Citizen of 2025. You think a woman can rule a kingdom but can’t throw a punch? Have you SEEN any anime? Have you seen any female lead after 2003?We left “helpless princess” at the bus stop with flip phones and low-rise jeans.

And calling Peach “Baddie Peach” like it’s an insult? Sir, that’s a compliment. That’s merch. That’s a Funko Pop waiting to happen.

You’re also upset Rosalina is “too powerful.” So now women are either “too weak” or “too strong.” Truly the Goldilocks dilemma of the incel overlords.

Rosalina was always cosmic-level strong — that’s literally her whole theme. But you see a woman glowing with star energy for two seconds, and suddenly it's “Ugh, feminist propaganda!” Meanwhile, Goku destroys universes as a warm-up and nobody screams, “he doesn't need no woman!!!”

Then you ask: “Why is the damsel-in-distress trope considered offensive?” Hmm. Maybe because we’re tired of women being turned into loot boxes that cry and send letters? Just a thought.

Also, you keep saying “true fans,” like the True Mario Lore Keepers™ are a secret cabal of dudes trying to restore the Sacred Balance of Male Heroism. Buddy, the Super Mario canon is spaghetti noodles held together by vibes. There are like 47 different Peaches depending on the decade, the console, and the amount of caffeine Nintendo developers had that morning.

And you end with, “Why not just tell the actual damn story?” Because the “actual” story is: Mario jumps. Peach gets kidnapped. Over and over. Forever. Nintendo had to remix it or else every modern audience member under 25 would fall asleep, roll credits, and refund the ticket.

Nintendo had to remix it or else every modern audience member under 25 would fall asleep, roll credits, and refund the ticket.

You want the princess weak, helpless, crying, passive, adorable, delicate, fragile, ornamental. Basically a collectible Yoshi skin. Modern storytelling said:“ No thanks. Women exist. They have arms.”

And finally, this gem: “Male heroes wanting to protect women isn’t toxic.” Correct. Demanding women be weak, so men can feel heroic? There’s the toxicity speed run world record.

So yeah... Enjoy your nostalgia. But don’t act shocked when the rest of us prefer characters with personalities, agency, and more combat skill than “screams while being carried away.” The world has moved on. Peach has too. She’s not your 8-bit damsel anymore — she’s a boss fight in heels.

And honestly? We love that for her.